I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
I have aggressive nipples.
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
Randomize
