I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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