Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
Randomize
