Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
The beer is more important than you right now.
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
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