Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
Why did my mother make you get naked?
Randomize
