I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
Randomize
