his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
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