Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
