i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
Randomize
