I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
You ruined the universe
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
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