he got wood on it!
i know. i had to sit in his lap on the plane. he also wore teva sandals.
...i was talking about hockey
I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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