My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
Randomize
