Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Randomize
