I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
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