Texts From Last Night

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  (978): View more from Massachusetts

  We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.

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  (978): We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted. http://tfl.nu/sak4
  Replies (48) Good night (1375) Bad night (6977)
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  (713): View more from Texas

  just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.

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  (713): just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american. http://tfl.nu/yild
  Replies (53) Good night (4666) Bad night (1304)
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  (817): View more from Texas

  I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.

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  (817): I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented. http://tfl.nu/9hus
  Replies (25) Good night (9021) Bad night (1217)
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  (440): View more from Ohio

  It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night

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  (440): It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night http://tfl.nu/ffc5
  Replies (17) Good night (1177) Bad night (2509)
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  (719): View more from Colorado

  Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.

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  (719): Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right. http://tfl.nu/8sag
  Replies (12) Good night (4145) Bad night (1100)
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  (732): View more from New Jersey

  I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.

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  (732): I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour. http://tfl.nu/7icu
  Replies (7) Good night (1511) Bad night (963)
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  (205): View more from Alabama

  First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.

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  (205): First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined. http://tfl.nu/ei07
  Replies (4) Good night (1795) Bad night (1262)
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  (416): View more from Toronto

  I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.

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  (416): I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn. http://tfl.nu/iixt
  Replies (13) Good night (3023) Bad night (1002)
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  (520): View more from Arizona

  last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.

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  (520): last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES. http://tfl.nu/2ekk
  Replies (3) Good night (545) Bad night (453)
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  (701): View more from North Dakota

  I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.

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  (701): I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now. http://tfl.nu/69o3
  Replies (1) Good night (646) Bad night (375)
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  (512): View more from Texas

  Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.

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  (512): Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now. http://tfl.nu/zy0d
  Replies (6) Good night (494) Bad night (592)
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  (559): View more from California

  You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event

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  (559): You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event http://tfl.nu/bllo
  Replies (1) Good night (552) Bad night (300)
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  (412): View more from Pennsylvania

  Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.

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  (412): Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me. http://tfl.nu/4ot8
  Replies (3) Good night (336) Bad night (519)
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  (456): View more from

  It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...

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  (456): It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together... http://tfl.nu/cfxq
  Replies (1) Good night (568) Bad night (126)
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  (801): View more from Utah

  1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae

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  (801): 1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae http://tfl.nu/t3wo
  Replies (4) Good night (315) Bad night (147)

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