Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug