i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
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it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
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The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car