Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Randomize
