I don't think you know how difficult it is to pee in poncho..
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Randomize
