She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
Randomize
