You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
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He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
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Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
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