how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
HAH. HARRY POTTER CASUAL CONVO HAS BEEN EXTENDED TO DISCUSSING WEATHER. SO PRO
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Randomize
