The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
I will be naked everywhere
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
Randomize
