I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
Randomize
