Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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