I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
Damn victory sex feels great
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
Randomize
