I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
