Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
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