If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
