Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
Randomize
