She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
Randomize
