I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
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