wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
Randomize
