1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
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