Incredible sex, Maddow, more sex, spoon, sex again
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
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