his penis looked like arnold from hey arnold. it was interesting.
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
At least life still wants to fuck me.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
Randomize
