i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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