That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
