none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
my being single is dangerous.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
Randomize
