I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
