I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
two words: eviction party
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Just saw the trailer for Spike Lee's version of Oldboy. They filmed a lot of it in A's building so like every scene features a place where I had or almost had sex. If oral counts then pretty much every scene.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
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