allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
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