we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
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