last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
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