i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
Randomize
