I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
