You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
Actions speak louder than pants.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
