Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
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Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
its amazing there are so many photos of me and him separately, since most of that party time was spent sneaking away to fuck upstairs...
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
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There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
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