I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
