You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
