hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
The dick lei will go down in squad history
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
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