You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Randomize
