his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
Last comment. I know of no exercises, diets or practices out there to help keeping balls young and healthy. They simply succumb to gravity.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
