I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
Randomize
