I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
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