Just saw a car with license plate GYPSYS that was full of gypsies
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
Randomize
