I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
