that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
I think it really helped to be hungover at accepted students day. it gave me a good feel for how it would be everyday if I go there.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
