she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Randomize
