I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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