he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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