my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
i googled "the goonies drinking game." i may be alone, but i'm living the college dream.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
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I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize