No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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