Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
You do realize the lyrics aren't "hold me close TONY DANZA" right?
You can't be serious.
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.