Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
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I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
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Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask