Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Randomize
