4 words: hood of his car
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
