Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
I think my vagina is haunted
i'm at sigma nu and gary is here. what do it do?
Stay away from his face.
so i go for his dick?
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
