She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
Houston, we have a blender
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
So I just went to clothing optional bar
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
