I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
You were basically naked. Just covered in pink duck tape and feathers. I'd have to say this is beyond the slutty mark..
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
Randomize
