just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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